When you hear the word boundaries, what comes to mind?

Many people respond with frustration: “There are no boundaries in my family” or “Boundaries just don’t exist in our relationships.” Often, these statements reflect an awareness that something is missing, alongside the belief that healthy boundaries should somehow appear naturally without discussion, effort, or practice.

In reality, boundaries are skills. They are rarely something we simply inherit. For many people, boundaries were not modelled, encouraged, or even recognised growing up. The good news is that boundaries can be learned at any stage of life.

At their core, boundaries are for you. They are not about controlling other people’s behaviour; they are about communicating what you need in order to protect your wellbeing, values, time, energy, and relationships.

As boundary expert Nedra Glover Tawwab writes, “Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.” They provide clarity—for ourselves and for others.

Like any new skill, boundaries are often best approached gradually. Starting small can feel more manageable than attempting dramatic changes. For example, if communication with a family member has previously felt difficult or overwhelming, a simple boundary might sound like:

“I can’t talk about this right now, but I’d be happy to discuss it later.”

Or:

“I need some time to think about that before I respond.”

These small acts can help create space where previously there may have been pressure, urgency, or guilt.

Giving yourself permission to prioritise your own needs can feel uncomfortable at first. Many people worry that setting boundaries is selfish or unkind. Yet healthy boundaries are often what allow relationships to become more honest, respectful, and sustainable.

I often think of boundaries as an invisible forcefield around your values and your energy. They help protect what matters to you whether that is your time, emotional capacity, physical space, finances, or personal wellbeing.

The first step is often recognising that boundaries are available to you. The second is communicating them to others.

If this feels uncomfortable, it may simply be unfamiliar.

Brené Brown describes boundaries: “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” For many people, the discomfort of setting a boundary is not a sign that the boundary is wrong, it is a sign that something new is being practised.

It is also worth remembering that not everyone will welcome a new boundary immediately. When patterns change, relationships often need time to adjust. Some people may feel surprised, confused, or even irritated.

You might hear responses such as:

“You’ve changed.”

“You never used to be like this.”

“You’ve always answered my calls before.”

While these reactions can be difficult, they do not necessarily mean your boundary is unreasonable. Sometimes they simply reflect another person’s adjustment to a new dynamic.

Anne Lamott writes “ No is a complete sentence.” While context and kindness can be helpful, we do not always need lengthy explanations or justifications for our limits.

An important question to consider is this:

If constantly saying yes serves everyone else, how is it serving you?

Exploring boundaries often leads to a deeper understanding of our values, needs, relationships, and sense of self. Therapy can provide a supportive space to reflect on these questions, practise new ways of communicating, and develop confidence in expressing what feels important to you.

Some example boundary statements include:

• “I’m not available for that today.”

• “I need some time to think about it before I decide.”

• “I understand your perspective, but I see things differently.”

• “I’m happy to help, but I can only offer an hour.”

• “That topic isn’t something I want to discuss right now.”

As you read these statements, notice what happens within you. Do any feel uncomfortable? Relieving? Difficult to imagine saying aloud?

Are there areas of your life where you would like to feel more empowered, more respected, or more able to take care of yourself? If yes, exploring boundaries may be a valuable place to begin.

If you find yourself recognising some of these patterns, therapy can offer a space to explore them with curiosity rather than judgement. Together, we can identify the values that matter most to you, understand the barriers that make boundaries difficult, and develop practical ways of communicating your needs with greater confidence and self-respect. Boundaries are not about building walls; they are about creating healthy, sustainable relationships with both yourself and others.

If you would like to explore these themes further, I offer individual counselling and psychotherapy online throughout the UK offering a warm, supportive, and professional environment.

Claire Messenger
NCPS Qualified Therapist

For enquiries or to arrange an initial consultation, please get in touch:

Email: counselling@talktherapywithclaire.org
Website: http://www.talktherapywithclaire.org